Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
satan: not today, microsoft teams
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Well, shit
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Me too, bag. Me too….
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job