On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.