What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
But I really needed water water water
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
March 16
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
The happy life.. 😊