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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.