I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this