Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
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People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.