Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.