So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
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Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.