[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
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SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
is nasa ok
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Terribly Tuesday.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him