me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
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So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper