[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.