I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge