When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.