I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.