You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
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Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
A French press is when you hug naked
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years