An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
absolutely not
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Not today. 😅
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.