My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Alexa; make it look like an accident
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.