I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
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She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*