The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
i’m still crying at this
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
There are no pants in heaven.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries