When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
You Might Also Like
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?