We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
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Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
favorite tropes as memes
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids