Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet