When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
shut up and take my money
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit