My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I did not eat the cake…
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.