Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK