If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Just had my nails done!
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself