Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.