I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
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only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.