Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
happy mother’s day❤️
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.