When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
You Might Also Like
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
<—- homeless romantic
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes