If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
How dramatic are you?
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Oh thanks BBC.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party