love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
You Might Also Like
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
What?!?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.