Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit