The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing