If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Meanwhile in Canada…
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.