It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
You Might Also Like
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
When news reporters do sports stories
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.