“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.