Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
One of the best
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“You’d better run, egg!”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
This kid is going places
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.