Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.