Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.