Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything