Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
mom gave me mine for free
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
OH. COME. ON.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.