I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.