neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
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If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
can I use a minion as a tampon
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex