*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.