lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Solving a traffic jam
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.