I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
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(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.