Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
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You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Lmao the reply
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit