9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
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*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Meow
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Lmaoo 😂
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Ice skating is like walking in cursive