Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
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When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Me irl
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Meat Cute
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.